Well I said I’d do three wacky races this year, and this one was the silliest.

Admittedly the Three Peaks Challenge isn’t a mountainbike race, in fact you’re not allowed to compete on an MTB.

Still my Fixie Inc Pure Blood has disc brakes and knobbly tires, so it is kind of off road compatible.

If normal cyclo cross races is „one hour in hell“ what can you say about the 3 Peaks?

How about five hours in hell?

Why do this, you may ask: a 60 km bike ‘ride’ with 1525 metres climbing up three mountains? Homage to a beautiful bike, of which I have the only one in the UK? Fingers up at the UCI? How about the age old English desire to do something really dangerous/ stupid/odd? First signs of a mid life crisis…take your pick!

It got off to a brutal start. The first 5kms were termed ‘neutralised’ which didn’t stop the pack from roaring off like possessed. Ouch; not a good starter (I need 45 min to warm up) I seemed to be going backwards fast. But on the brutal clamber up Ingleborough, so steep you had to hold on to the grass to stay upright, I started to find my legs and make up lost ground. Maybe it helps when your stride is equivalent to 1.65 normal human steps.

It was all too good to be true though. No sooner was the first hill conquered disaster struck: a pinch flat. I must have looked quite comical spraying latex milk into the wind on top of bleak moor. It didn’t feel funny at the time. Good old fashioned pumping ensued, whilst hundreds of riders whizzed by. Onwards and cautiously downwards and the next road section leading to, you guessed it another unrideable hill – Whernside. At least this climb had a genuine stone surfaced path going up so I managed a bit of cheeky running and, shock horror even better some sketchy downhill riding.

Somewhere on that bouncy descent my pump went awol…..

I pressed on overtaking more riders on the road section leading to the last hill -Pen-y-Ghent. This one I’d hiked up so I knew what was coming. The track up was a novelty – an off road climb most of which could be ‘enjoyed’ in the saddle. Towards the top and with bike on shoulder I was finally catching those I’d already overtaken going up Ingleborough!. But low and behold on the last descent I flatted again and had no way of fixing my bike. Running down one of the best bits of off road track was a little bit depressing. The last 4km of tarmac to the finish with a flat front tyre was like riding through treacle. I finished with a time of 4 hrs 36 happy but very wasted (I think that was the aim all along).

I ended up 132^nd in my class with that nagging feeling that if I hadn’t punctured twice I could have finished under 4 hrs and in the top 100.

So I’ll be forced to come back again next year to prove these hypothetical ramblings, which means I can’t go back to junk food, tobacco and beer all winter. Damn it…